Why I hid my PMDD
Being without PMDD for 10 months has given me space to breath. It has also given me time to investigate all the questions I’ve had about PMDD and many I never thought to ask. But the biggest question is one I have only just begun to grapple with: Why did I hide my PMDD from everyone for so long?
I was on one of the PMDD forums the other day when someone asked: “if you had one word to describe PMDD what would it be?” I immediately wrote “hell” (as did a number of people). Other responses were “sadness,” “nightmare,” and “chaos.” But reflecting on it, two other words come to mind when I think about PMDD: “fear” and “shame.”
Fear and shame is what, for 26 years, led me to tell almost no one about my condition: fear of someone finding out and not hiring me; fear about what I knew down deep was the “ultimate solution” to my suffering: surgery.
The shame was heavier and deeper— bound up in my childhood and years of internalizing what society told me: your period is dirty, it should not be talked about. Your menstruation related pain and emotions are invalid and proof of your weakness and instability.
The stigma around menstruation is real and it starts in girlhood. A UK survey of women and girls found that over half (about 53%) reported having been shamed in relation to their period symptoms. A Thinx / Harris Poll found 83 percent of all teenage respondents reported hiding period products when going to the bathroom. In a mixed methods study both men and women expressed stigmatizing attitudes, often viewing menstruation as dirty or unclean. Women reported actively changing their behavior—avoiding activities, wearing baggy clothes, and investing significant energy in hiding products or blood—to evade stigma and stereotyping. Despite decades of feminists pushing back on such tropes, the image of the irrational, overly emotional, less capable woman with PMS continues to loom large.
It has been cathartic to talk about my battle with PMDD openly. When I told a group of girlfriends on a reunion trip to Nashville, they teared up. When I asked why, one replied: “because you had to bear all that pain alone.” I hope for your sake and the sake of your fellow travelers, that you don’t make the mistake I did. Speak up about PMDD. Demand the world take notice and take action to solve it.
